When Waffles Matter

MWOP 7 Remastered

Happy 2011! As New Year’s Day tradition dictates, a hearty heaping upload is in order. And we’ve got a doozie: Through the tubeless tire-less efforts of our crack legal department, this wafflecast has secured the exclusive rights to feature, one episode at a time, the entire Music Without Perspective series. As a first installment we offer up number 7 of the series, recorded 10/9/80. MWOP was audio program hosted by Vince Valparaiso and Ken Westby. It ran from August 1977 to October 1980. Newly-released alblums would be played and reviewed / critiqued by the two illustriously immature hosts. Except for the 4th broadcast, MWOP reviewed alblum cuts by “vocalist” Tom Brown. Mr. Brown had been an OSHA compliance officer. By the mid-70s he was a freelancer, giving instructive seminars around the country in the name of workplace safety. A November 1976 remote recording gig meant Baltimore-based audio engineer Larry was dispatched to a Philadelphia hotel ballroom to record such a (yawn) day-long seminar presented by Tom. The intent was to market the blah-blah audio to factory managers desiring to stay out of trouble with the Occupational Safety & Health Administration arm of the US government. Indeed, “Coping with OSHA” -- a 5-cassette binder of Tom’s industrial blather -- was released to the masses in the spring of 1977 and a splendid time was guaranteed for all. But back to Larry. Scurrying from Philly to the Baltimore studio in his beige Plymouth full of ¼” tapes-o-Tom, Larry begrudgingly pounced on the rather ominous task of editing the lengthy OSHA seminar to a more easily-digestible audio product. As the reader can imagine, this took months to finish. In the tedium of editing Tom’s snarky delivery of the English language Larry amused himself by putting Tom’s voice to stock music. Little did he know that another equally immature audio engineer toiling across the hall in another studio was growing increasingly curious about the musical creations wafting forth from Larry’s audio cave. As 1977 dawned, that other audio guy, Steve, was now egging Larry on to produce even more Tom. Recognizing the genius of Larry’s edited “songs”, a vehicle of delivering Tom Brown to the public was needed. The two came up with “Music Without Perspective”; an interview show featuring the vocal stylings of Tom Brown. Cassettes of MWOP were circulated throughout the Baltimore-Washington area and soon MWOPs 1 through 3 were gushing forth from car stereos of the region. Early 1978 found Larry and Steve trying to outdo the other in the Tom Brown department. Tape loops became more elaborate. The envelope of Tom’s musical Je ne sais quoi was pushed. Bear in mind these were tape “loops” in the purist sense of the word: Samplers and digital audio workstations did not exist in the 70s. Some of their tape loops stretched down the hall to a secretary holding a pencil through a spinning 5” reel atop her knuckle, providing tension to the capstan 40 feet away. And it cannot be understated that Larry and Steve got paid for such clowning around. All MWOPs were produced on company equipment on company time, “live from exit 20”. In all, seven MWOPs were produced. The MWOP featured here is, ironically, the final program of the series. We are not purposely going out of order: All seven MWOPs are / will be painstakingly restored and digitized for the Internets. It just so happened that # 7 was the first tape found in the vault. The hope is that the other six will be located, cleaned up, and published to the Web. Please stay tuned. Sleep well at night knowing standard When Waffles Matters episodes shall be forthcoming. Three new shows have actually been in the hopper for about a year. They’re all nearly complete yet require a bit of tidying up before they get Lenny’s stamp of approval. But for now, sit back and situate yourself inside a 1980 Baltimore recording studio with orange walls where it is always live from exit 20...

The Save-A-Penny Superstore

Here’s an assiette chock full of music for that next midnight drive down the A6 & A10 to Orleans, Blois, Amboise, and the Loire Valley. Listener song submissions are very appreciated: Bored toll booth employees who speak no English will be catching bite-size morsels of your tune. Happy now? Get the essence of life: Gas up sans plumbe before Gentilly and pay no attention to the sad Portuguese church on the right. It’s 00h14 and your hired Fiat’s hit eighty clicks already. Slip in a burned CD of this episode and use the A6 exits as song indices. It will line up perfectly. The play list for this episode is yonder. If it isn’t then wait a spell and it will be (there’s a bit of lag time for our blog dude to get off his ass). Thanks to listeners THIS episode sports more submissions than any previous episode! Abuse our Drop Box with impunity and syrup. Oh, and whomever you are who contributed the song located at the 37:05 mark, please identify yourself and/or artist & title as you dropped the mp3 into the box unlabeled (Si vous etes le mec qui envoyee le chanson a 37:05, qui etes vous? Nous avons le besoin pour le titre et le compositeur SVP). All others are required to watch this video and listen to this other podcast. Lenny

Barnyards are coated with mud

2010 has finally arrived and that can mean but one thing: It’s the “International Year of the Filmstrip”. When Waffles Matter reluctantly complies with its first ever “podcast-synched-to-a-filmstrip” podcast, episode #15. Follow these eight easy steps for gratification: 1. Download the mp3 file (below) before Tuesday. 2. Wait 14 minutes. 3. Thread the projector, carefully making sure the sprocket holes line up with the audio prompts of your iPod’s Bell and Howell device. It is not necessary to turn on the projector lamp at this time. 4. Turn on the projector lamp. 5. If your Brumberger is not equipped with auto-advance, ask your teacher if YOU (and not Frank Zook) can be the one to manually advance the filmstrip frame by frame. 6. Start projector now. The first audible tone prompt is merely a test prompt. At the sound of the second audible prompt tone the Bell & Howell browser sprocket holes should be synchronized with this website: http://www.wftv.com/slideshow/mostpopular/19663098/detail.html 7. Upon hearing the tones turn the website’s knob clockwise to advance to a new frame. 8. If the projector lamp melts a frame quickly rethread the filmstrip to: http://www.medicinenet.com/kidney_stone_pictures_slideshow/article.htm Thank you for letting the projector fan run at least two minutes after shutting off the projector lamp. Thank you as well for your music submissions. For 2010 we are making it even easier to send songs in to the show. WWM now has a DROPBOX at SoundCloud.com. Simply visit http://soundcloud.com/lenny-nombril/dropbox and drag your MP3s into the DROPBOX. We check our DROPBOX daily. BTW, if you’re not hip to SoundCloud, ecoutez bien: SoundCloud.com is a sumptuous site to discover/exchange new music. It’s in Germany, home of some rather decent waffles. Though SoundCloud is FREE their waffles are not. Also new for 2010: Episode playlists. Visit:http://wafflelists.wordpress.com/ Rewind the filmstrip, wrap the cord around the take-up reel, replace the projector cover, and return all AV materials and your questions to whenwafflesmatter@gmail.com. This film may be borrowed from the Prince Georges County Memorial Library. Tip: By clicking “play in a pop up” (below) you can enjoy the podcast while surfing elsewhere around the Internets. And tell Ben to go home. He’s been gone for two months now. His mother misses him.

Our Anniversary Spectacular!

Holy hollow hulls of Hungry Jack! This past June 15th was When Waffle Matter’s second anniversary! “This calls for a celebration!” declared Lenny. “I always cheer up whenever I see syrup.” To commemorate two delectable years on the Internets Lenny had the urge to splurge. Invitations were printed, sprinkled with powdered sugar, and mailed out. Alas, only three Karo cronies confirmed causing quite a crunchy waffle kerfuffle. No matter: Lenny was determined to party like it’s 1965! Declining the invitation were the CEOs of Pillsbury, Hamilton Beach, Mrs. Butterworth’s, The Food Network, Proctor-Silex, and some low-level supervisor in Kellogg’s Eggo Division. Belgium’s Ambassador to the United States did not return any of Lenny’s twenty-three collect telephone calls. Gosh, so who showed? Marcello Presac was in attendance, dapper in a smart smock woven from an old, not nearly so smart smock he once owned. Teresa was lovely in a prêt-à-porter porter’s outfit (her butler costume regrettably at the cleaners), and the never-once-incarcerated Les Lutins, wearing a business suit and a leather apron. Didn’t get an invitation? Worry not! Lenny got the festivities down on tape, from start to finish. Whipping out the Wollensak Lenny fastidiously threaded up a reel of Scotch 111 audio tape and hit ‘record – play’ before the capstan could pinch the roller. We’ve posted the party in its entirety (below) for your listening pleasure so a doughy download is in your future. Golly, it’s a good thing the party didn’t last longer than 53 minutes and 17 seconds because at 3 ¾ IPS, a reel of Scotch 111 will only record for 53 minutes and 17 seconds! Note that you must pre-heat your headphones to 325 degrees prior to enjoying these waffles. It’s a headphone/earbud show to be sure! From central Kansas to Stockholm, we appreciate all of you syrup swallowers who download and subscribe to the podcast. And whoever the hell you are in China: Assuming you can read English, thanks for the MSG while we supply the MP3! Buttermilked, beguiled and bewildered? So are we. Better e-mail Lenny at whenwafflesmatter@gmail.com so we can suffer together. Lenny kneads to hear from you. You may also post a message at the CONTACT US tab above. Have at it. Okay, so you weren’t at WWM’s big 2nd anniversary party. Close your eyes and play the episode. A spatula time is guaranteed for all.

Droplets of Steaming Bobigny

Balbyniens all, we began compiling this particular waffle recipe with the intention of showcasing songs containing Theremins that really shouldn’t have Theremins in them.

Gradually, however, Lenny obtained a discount religion and was quite nonetheless.

Syrup swallowers born after April Fools Day, 1992 should not be listening to or downloading this or any other episode of When Waffles Matter.

Seekers, this site looks really wrong in Internet Explorer. In order to enjoy the golden brown deliciousness of steaming Bobigny, we advise using ANY OTHER BROWSER than IE. Broken browsers from Jupiter and Bladensburg will, in fact, render a better waffle than IE.

We welcome your comments! Click the above CONTACT US tab and have at it. Alternatively you may write us at whenwafflesmatter@gmail.com .You can expect a speedy yet not so serious reply. Ecrivez en français si vous voullez parce-ce que tous les profs dedans ce site web habitez très proche du Pont de Sèvres.

Hinge Replacement - Oster 3883

It happens all too often. Kitchen accidents do occur yet most are. They needn’t occur even in hearty times. Feeling pesky, Marcello dropped by the kitchen last week intending to enjoy a rather robust afternoon of peeling blueberries for Mrs. Nombril’s birthday party. The fact that Mrs. Nombril has not been seen since 1965 is beside the point: Lenny wanted blueberry waffles for the wifely waffle woman.

Fast forward 12 minutes. Now rewind 2 minutes. Play for 38 seconds. Now, fast forward again, this time for 23 minutes. There! Stop right there! Okay, so Marcello and Lenny decide they’re going to re-hinge an Oster 3883 instead of peeling blueberries. Now, I know what you are thinking as we’ve all been there before: What about the steeplof grommet located askew of the straussman retainer? A sticky wicket indeed and potentially dangerous in any post-1970 Oster when the gusset bromlin inside this classic waffle iron is wired for 4 amps (see Fig. 5).

With Marcello holding the Phillips head taut against the faidherbe chaligny (see Fig 6), and Lenny giving slack to the montgallet gear (Fig. 7), the clichy trap became stuck, causing a tension build-up underneath the right rungis retaining ring (Fig. 15). The enormous back pressure imploded outwardly, propelling the garche sarcelle (Fig. 9) towards Marcello’s clavicle. Fortunately for Mister Presac Lenny always keeps a favorite (favourite for our UK listeners) Proctor Silex R-102 right there on the syrup straining table in the event of a random late-night waffle gorging session. Marcello quite effortlessly grabbed the Proctor Silex, and, using it as a shield against the now-rocketing garche sarcelle (Fig, 12), managed to dodge the initial drops of steaming bobigny. Nevertheless, the projectile bounced off (bounced off for our UK listeners) the Teflon coating and tore into Marcello’s cheeky cheeky nosebleed bone like an octopus driving backwards through a drive-thru window at Jack-in-the Box. The photo tells it all.

Rest assured, the following morning (Fig. 10) found Lenny receiving a collect telephone call from Marcello’s legal team. Marcello reputedly teems with pain, bread, and nosepies.

Our newly-posted podcast will instruct you how to properly re-hinge the Oster 3883 belonging to Anthony Newly, so do make it a point to download and play this oozing audio. And while you listen (with headphones only), be aware that Marcello is in dire need of free gauze, ooze, and Moxie-stained maps of Potwin, Kansas. Contact Marcello’s nurse at whenwafflesmatter@gmail.com for inappropriate questions.

It's Marcelloween!

Got candy corn? Marcello Presac is back in the kitchen spinning records, wigs, and spider webs for our Halloween Spectacular! He's pulling ALL of the skeletons out of his closet for this here stack-o-waffles!

So enormously HUGE is this event the United Nations General Assembly has just proclaimed that Halloween will be held on Marcello's birthday, October 31st!

No iPod? Download, save, trick, treat, and burn the episode to a blank, round CD for vigorous listening later on.

Call Marcello in the USA with your sparkling secrets: 206-984-3865. Or, throw down that spatula and get typing: whenwafflesmatter@gmail.com. Unless we hear from you we won’t unless we hear from you.

I Love Energy

Geesh. Even by our own standards this episode is just plain weird.

Headphones only, please, for this particular doughy download.

Hard work doesn’t frighten youth today. Not at all!

E-mail your nurse at whenwafflesmatter@gmail.com or record a voice print at 206-984-3865 (USA).

Unclogging Syrup Nozzles

Useful Tips

1. Safety goggles should always be worn when using heavy machinery around nozzles. If your goggles are not worn you will have to wait several years until normal wear and tear causes them to become worn.
2. If your nozzle is clogged or otherwise prone to causing clogs or causes of clogging, other than being wise you may simply try sitting in a prone position thereby causing the simple clog to become positioned.
3. Not all nozzle clogs are really clogs. Some are attractive. Others can bite you. Still others may induce the compulsion to try camping. And there are a few out there that you just want to whack, I'm sorry.
4. Never toggle nozzle goggles.
5. If clogging occurs at the base of a nozzle use warm ginger ale and an Emory board to do what, I haven't the foggiest. I never knew what an Emory board was anyway. Same with cheesecloth. Is it fabric woven from stale brie or…what?
6. Lather, rinse, emulsify, repeat.

These six simple yet rather wholesome steps -- along with the accompanying podcast -- will prove ineffective in your life unless you follow these six simple yet rather wholesome steps. Download the mp3 and get that nozzle shining like a new dime. Remember that new-nozzle smell the day your drove your nozzle home from the dealer? Sure you do. Try to enjoy your miserable life. Lenny is just an e-mail away: whenwafflesmatter@gmail.com and would be excited to comply to a fraction of your deepest nozzle queries. His favorite human being is you, so call him at 206-984-3865 in the USA.

Sleep tight tonight,

Lenny

My Space But Your Spatula

The suits upstairs who run this debris field of a website noted decades ago how deliciously golden brown the unsigned music artists are over at MySpace Music. Snuggly megabytes to your pinna are therefore in order.

WWM syruply supports and scrumptiously salutes the oodles of talented unsigned artists far above what our poor power can add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember the waffles we ate here, but it can never forget the music they performed here. It is for us the downloading, rather, to be dedicated here to the powdered sugar which they who emulsified have thus far so nobly advanced.

Lenny has obtained a signed affidavit from a guy named David. These documents have been unsealed and may go stale because they’re no longer sealed. At this point ‘twould be quite acceptable to feed them to the seals. Ye ploughman, when they were fresh they told of wondrous fables of faraway lands and Anacostia. Lenny homewardly plods his weary way and leaves the world to darkness and me. We shall raise him as our own and foam his collapsed brow with our own sweat droplets aged four years in oak barrels – not unlike Vernors Ginger Ale.

All shall be explained in this audio episode so stop whining, download, and get over it. Have your way with the podcast: Stream the sucker. Or save the mp3 file for later burning to a Cee-Dee.

We adore our loyal subscribers so much that we want to swaddle their iPods and sing Toni Fisher songs to them. Hark: E-mail us at whenwafflesmatter@gmail.com or simply call Lenny’s bulbous buttermilk butt and get him out of bed. Seriously: Telephone him in the USA anytime day or night: 1-206-984-3865. The podcast is free but the telephone call is not.

Enjoy the podcast and please support these wonderful MySpace Music artists.